Missed Miscarriage

This Friday, June 15, 2007, I went to the doctor, for my first pre-natal appointment. I knew I was pregnant, as I have taken the home pregnancy test twice and had positive results. Normin and I were surprised to know that I was pregnant, but nonetheless, we were excited, happy, and we welcomed the idea that we were going to be parents. We talked about names, how the nursery would look like, baby shower, and discussed the idea of suprising our parents for father's day with the news that they are going to be grandfathers.

Imagine my grief, when I went to the doctor and I was informed after the nurse took a sonogram of the baby, that the baby did not have a heartbeat. It was dead at 8 weeks. I had what you call a "missed miscarriage" - the rarest form of miscarriage, that only occurs in 1% of all pregnancies. My body did not recognize that the baby had died and stopped growing - it was still inside me, and yet it failed to develop and lived.

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-missed-miscarriage.htm

I walked out of Kaiser feeling numb...I was disappointed, sad, grieving, angry - all at the same time. I sat in my car for awhile and just cried my eyes out.

On Saturday night, before I went to sleep, I took the medicine that the doctor gave me, to force the miscarriage - this will essentially force the fetus and all the dead tissue out of my body by bleeding heavily. I had extreme cramps all night, and bled. 4 little pills confirmed and officially ended my pregnancy. That was that - and it was done. I hope I never get to experience this kind of pain again - to grieve, for someone you've never seen, never felt, never touched - and yet that it touched the very core of you, as a person, a wife, a woman, and a mother.

It has been a long weekend. Tomorrow is another day.