My trip to NYC

I am headed out to NYC tomorrow. Am I nervous? Yeah. Do I look calm? Yeah. The whole process of reviewing again for my second exam attempt has been so different than the first time. The enthusiasm has died. I am no longer that giddy law school graduate so full of hope, and excitement ready to tackle the bar exam - with all my might while holding hands with fellow bar takers, who are just as scared as I am yet as enthusiastic, if not more enthuasiastic than me. This time, it is a little bit darker, a little bit more personal, it is a little bit more subdued, a little bit more secluded - you feel a little bit more alone. This time, you don't want to talk too much about it nor talk about it at all - your progress, your plans, your difficulties - because you've already said everything that needs to be said.

I was talking about my trip briefly with the folks the other day. It is sad because I can see and feel the hesitation in my father's eyes. It appears he has lost his enthusiasm too. He, who has always believed in me, does not have that same "you can do it" cheerleader type of attitude - that he did have the first time around. And I get it and I understand it - because what if I am not able to do it. Then what?

As I was driving today, it dawned on me that people probably think that this is simply just an exam. A test - like any other test that you take in your academic life. However for me - it is more than that. It means more to me than merely just a rite of passage in order to get a license to practice law. It means more to me, than the prospect of a career advancement.

I have invested time - years and years, hours and hours of time, in order to get to where I am now. I sacrificed time. You cannot pay me back nor give me back the time that I have lost. I gave up many many chances to be a better friend, to be a mother, to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister - just a better someone - and skipped life experiences that could have made me a happier and a more fulfilled person. If I missed out on all of that - and now I am here - Would it have been worth it?